Thats Number Five

The worst parts:
I didnt realize a heart could ACTUALLY hurt.
I still love him. More than ever.
He kissed my head.
He told me i was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and that he became a better person because of me.
He wouldnt let me go.
He was super nice.
He couldnt even say the actual words "break up".
It hurt SO bad.
He asked if i was going to be ok.
..He was right..
(things were bad this weekend, and they would have only gotten worse)
I saw a shooting star.
I feel pathetic for telling him not to do it.

I just.. i feel like this is just a nightmare that i cant wait to wake up from.
My whole body hurts. I just.. idk what to do. I dont know if i can go back to being just friends. Theres too many memories at stake. Im hurting so bad. I dont know what to do. Now i know why we always avoided conversations like these. I tried so hard not to cry when he was holding me (for like 10 straight minutes). Once i got in the car, i held it in, and then let it all out. I really wish this were just a nightmare. I cant believe this really happened.

The last worse part is, the person i want to run to, is the person who hurt me.

It hurt so bad. While he was talking he said "What do you want to do"
and i said "Whatever you want."

I... I dont even know what to say.

Maybe there will be a 'someday', but that day is just too far.

No, im not okay. I feel sorry for every backing away from him, because now, i lost him SOONER than i wanted to.

Im going to bed. I cant think right now.



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WHAT I TOLD ANGIE A FEW DAYS LATER:

It wasnt bad.. it was cuz of him going to school

But like... idk. I want to be mad, but i cant.

Idk how to feel, im just so confused.

We've never fought and that was the first time we ever really talked like that.

I just wish it wasnt the only time we would have had to.

I feel kind of like it IS my fault.

I made things weird and i SO wish i hadnt.

Ang... i just dont know what to do :'(

Brooke told me a few weeks ago that he was going to break up with me.
He thought i knew, but i didnt. Cuz the last i had heard was he wanted to stay together when he was at school (that was graduation time). So i felt SO uncomfortable around him. I just didnt see why he'd still try to hold my hand and kiss me, and pull me onto his lap if he was gonna break up with me. So i felt SUPER weird around him. It was ALL i could think about. Brooke told me a few days later "Stop worrying about it! He REALLY likes you, and thats why hes putting it off for as long as possible".. but i still couldnt get the words "hes gonna break up with you" out of my head everytime i was around him. So last weekend, we just didnt talk much and i was like "Is there a reason you havent wanted to talk to me?" And he was like "What? ive just been busy. i always want to talk to you babe." So... Idk i TRIED to be the same gf he asked out, ya know? but those words.. UH! I wish i didnt have such a good best friend who would tell me that. So Tuesday, we went to the beach. With a bunch of friends. Short story, we didnt hang out or talk like at all.
Omg.... i just realized... this really is my fault. I did this.
[oh no. here comes the tears again]
He was right. He was the only making any effort.
He tried to hold my hand on the jetti, and i let go after like a minute. He tried to play with me on the beach, and i stayed away. He tried to sit by me on the blanket, and i wouldnt even look at him.
Angie.... what.. have.. i.. done?
But read my blog. Thats the basic story of how i felt after the breakup and what he said. It was honestly like a blur. I dont remember most of it, cuz i tried to pretend it wasnt happening.
And once we got to the house, everyone came to my car to say goodbye to me (including spence) and he waited, but nobody else would leave. So he was like "ok.. im gonna go" and he started to give me a hug. And i looked up at him and gave him that look like "What!? Um.. no. What are you thinking" and he was like "oh ok ill stay".
I think if i had just let him go, we could have fixed it, and not broken up.
And i didnt put this in my blog, but when we were talking, he was having like a hard time breathing and he had a hard time looking me in the eye. So i pulled his face towards me and i was like "spencer... look at me. Im right here". And when he kissed me on the head after it was done, i had to take like a deep breath because i wanted to cry SO bad right then.
[[Sorry this is all over the place]] i really cant remember it all that well.