Days Like These

1pm
On days like this, when the sky is dark and its chilly out; these are the best days to reevaluate my life.

Part of me, the last week or so, realizes I probably did make a mistake by not going back up to school this semester. I love the school. I just didnt like not being social, and doing homework all the time, or sitting in my apartment watching movies. But the atmosphere.... it truly was indescribable. There is definitely a spirit there, that you cant find anywhere else.
I know, for me (financially), it wouldnt be wise to go into debt. I've seen what it has done to people, and I dont want that. I dont want to stress about it.
I want to go to Vegas... I love Vegas. But I also get really sick of sunshine. I know thats really stupid... But cloudy, overcast weather makes me SO happy. I've been trying to think, what really is SO special about Vegas? .... I just know I love it there. I dont love the heat, but i do love knowing that I know people there. Not just one or two, but a lot. Maybe being in a desert, is me trying to get a part of my past back.
I have NO clue what I want to do with my life. I'm not happy sitting at home, doing nothing. But I also cant think of what Id rather be doing. I wanted to do Cosmetology all through High School, and I began to hate it once I was cutting hair a little more often. My Career Explorations class at BYU-I, showed me Id be best doing
I wish I was more sure of what I want. I want to get married, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like Im not ready. I know I would be a good wife and mom, but with each passing day... Im just scared. I cant prove it to everybody else... and that worries me... maybe I'm not ready. I feel like the reason things just arent working out, is a sign that Im making a mistake.
Only PART of me thinks this.. but maybe the reason i cant get another job, is because I should be in school. And the reason I cant find a roommate in Vegas, is because I shouldnt be there. Or the fact that I still fight with my mom, means I'm not mature enough. I don't know how else I can progress with my life. I think progression would be to move out, live on my own, mature as an adult.. without having my dad come to the rescue. I want to struggle! I want to know what its like to have a hard time paying bills. I dont want to live in California. I want to be away from my past. I'm not a child anymore, and I wish everyone would stop treating me like one. I feel like every decision i make, is being judged. If I make the wrong one... fine. I was wrong. There is not ONE person on this entire planet, that makes a right decision 100% of the time.

I'm sure this sounds like I'm whining... but I'm not trying to. I am happy. I have great parents who are working on keeping us together. I have an incredible boyfriend who just wants me to be the best I can. I have amazing sisters who love me and just want me to make good choices. I have a few good friends that bring me up, and keep me up as a person. I am part of a true church that has made me the person i want to be, and given me the morals I want to see in my own kids. I am blessed that I have food in a pantry, and running water and electricity. I have a pretty great life....... I just need to have a better plan.